Witty quotes and insults from Winston Churchill

Not only was Churchill one of the greatest leaders of the 20th century, he was one hell of a witty guy. These are a few of my favorite quotes and anecdotes attributed to him:

  • History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
  • In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.
  • The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.
  • We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.
  • If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
  • I am prepared to meet my maker; whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
  • Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.
  • A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.
  • There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.
  • The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.
  • A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (Referring to Clement Attlee)
  • A sheep in sheep’s clothing. (Referring to Ramsay MacDonald)
  • He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Referring to Sir Stafford Cripps)
  • He is the man who brought pederasty into disrepute. (Referring to Tom Driberg)
  • He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)
  • If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job. (Referring to Arthur Balfour)
  • Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
    Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it
  • Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
    Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
  • Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
    Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.
  • Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
    Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
    Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
    Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
    Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

About probabilityZero

I'm a rather boring, geeky college student. Most of my time is spent at a computer, reading a book, or sitting in (mostly uninteresting) classes. My hobbies include reading, blogging, creating and running websites, creating amateur video games, arguing incessantly on discussion forums, and buying books on amazon.com because I'm too lazy to go to the library.
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34 Responses to Witty quotes and insults from Winston Churchill

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  2. Evilbelgian says:

    Always a pleasure to read these. Last one is my favourite

  3. oliver says:

    believe the third quote is from Bertrand Russell..

  4. oliver says:

    sorry mean 2nd quote

  5. misanthropope says:

    the last anecdote, i believe, actually stars george bernard shaw.

  6. Kate says:

    The second quotation is definitely Bertrand Russell.

  7. wish he were running things now says:

    These never get old. The world needs a Churchill…

  8. David says:

    The quote about Hitler invading Hell is in reference to Stalin and Britain’s alliance with the Soviet Union, despite how anti-Communist Churchill was.

  9. tom says:

    Idiots! Bertrand Russell is referencing this quote which is actually Churchill’s.
    Anyways, who cares about him except those without an education? The more you read, the more you realize that quoting Bertrand Russell is not something you want to do in the realm of academia. It’s actually a joke: “You’d probably quote Bertrand Russell, wouldn’t you”. Leave Bertrand Russell alone where he is: writing popular, empty, emotional proverbs for the inside cover of textbooks.

  10. Tiff says:

    ‘The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.’ This one is the most true thing i have ever heard ask any american lol

  11. paresh says:

    charchil was the great leader, nice post on him.

  12. Jimmy says:

    When a lady drew Chruchills attention to his open fly (zipper to our american friends)
    The aged Winston promptly replyed “Madam, a dead bird won’t fall out the nest”.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Half of these are not Churchill (mainly the last few)… I would have said them I am sure… But even the language does not look like Churchill

  14. These are some strange quotes. but i love it.

  15. Josey says:

    Churchill was told one should not end a sentence with a preposition. He replied “that is something up with which i will not put.”

  16. Allie says:

    I love to sit in school while im supposed to be typing a report and look at these. Now when i make fun of people they can’t have a comeback:)

  17. Henry says:

    A quote made for Churchill – “Cometh the hour; cometh the man” and one of his that is acutely applicable today – “We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm”

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  19. Adam says:

    George Bernard Shaw (In a letter to Churchill): “Enclosed are two tickets to the opening night of my show. Invite a friend, if you have one.”

    Churchill (In response to Shaw’s letter): “Cannot possibly attend first night. Will attend second night, if there is one.”

    Favorite Churchillian insult.

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