Witty quotes and insults from Winston Churchill

Not only was Churchill one of the greatest leaders of the 20th century, he was one hell of a witty guy. These are a few of my favorite quotes and anecdotes attributed to him:

• History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
• In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.
• The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.
• We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.
• If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
• I am prepared to meet my maker; whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
• Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.
• A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.
• There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.
• The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.
• A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (Referring to Clement Attlee)
• A sheep in sheep’s clothing. (Referring to Ramsay MacDonald)
• He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Referring to Sir Stafford Cripps)
• He is the man who brought pederasty into disrepute. (Referring to Tom Driberg)
• He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)
• If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job. (Referring to Arthur Balfour)
• Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
  Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it
• Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
  Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
• Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
  Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.
• Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
  Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
  Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
  Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
  Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.