Long list of quotes from The Daily Show

I’ve collected a few of my favorites here, from both present and past correspondents. If you have any more you’d like to add, leave a comment.

This is a rather long list, so I’m hiding  it below the fold.

Jon Stewart

• Don’t you see the problem our country is having? I’m making sense and the President isn’t.
• The Saddam statue was pulled down in Baghdad. Clearly, it was a great moment. Jubilant crowd, very heart-warming to see this. There’s a lot of work to be done yet, but amongst all that joy, I think we all need to pause and remember something. Somewhere in Iraq is a sculptor who worked very hard on that statue.
• The official CIA report, the Duelfer Report, has come out. The one that they’ve been working on for the past two years that will be the definitive answer on the weapons of mass destruction programs in Iraq, and it turns out, uh, not so much. Apparently, there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and their capabilities had been degraded, and they pretty much stopped trying anything in ’98. Both the president and the vice president have come out today in response to the findings and said that they clearly justify the invasion of Iraq. So, uh, some people look at a glass and see it as half full, and other people look at a glass and say that it’s a dragon.
• Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
• Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
• Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because, as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.
• Ralph Nader chose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian vegetarian bookstore.
• (about P2P court decision) The judgment marks a key victory for the recording industry, in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.
• France, c’mon girl, don’t be an invader hater.
• (about Swift Boat) It is a powerful indictment. Or rather, it would be had any of those guys actually served on Kerry’s boat. See, by “served with him”, they mean they were in Vietnam at the time. Kinda the same way the Snoopy served with the Red Baron.
• We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather.
• Al Gore’s endorsement of Howard Dean came as a surprise to nobody, except Gore’s former running mate, Joe Lieberman. He found it pretty damn surprising.
• The new Airbus plane, the A380, is capable of holding 800 passengers. Or, 400 Americans.
• There is near-universal consensus that the melting is due to global warming, though the Bush administration counters that the ice caps are not melting; rather, the water has been liberated.
• If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
• However, for the record, The Daily Show has absolutely no affiliation with the North American Man/Boy Love Association… or, as it’s called, UNICEF.
• This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it…. Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us — it’s the circle of life.
• There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to Iran.
• You know, I hear what you’re all saying, but doesn’t elite mean good? Is that not something we’re looking for in a President anymore? You know what candidates, come with me. I know that elite is a “bad word” in politics, and you want to go bowling and “throw back” a few beers, but the job you’re applying for, if you get it and it goes well, THEY MIGHT CARVE YOUR HEAD INTO A MOUNTAIN. If you don’t actually think you’re better than us, then WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
• They say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and then there’s this guy. [cuts to video of George Bush] Who couldn’t buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all their great.
• If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values, they’re hobbies.
• The White House released documents it claims validate the President’s (National Guard) service…. When deciphered, the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush’s nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard’s National Guard. That’s the National Guard’s National Guard, an Army of None.
• Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted “Bingo!” counted as a yea or a nay.
• You know what, it’s okay. If Bill O’Reilly needs to have an enemy, he needs to feel persecuted, you know what, here’s my Kwanzaa gift to him: [a Christmas-themed holly border appears on the screen] I’m your enemy; make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas, Christians, Jews, morality! And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama’s Homobortion Pot and Commie Jizzporium.
• So, to sum up, it’ll take two thirds of both houses and three quarters of the states to approve an amendment saying that two straight parents are better than one straight parent, which is still better than two gay parents, which is equal to a guy screwing a turtle.
• The two candidates were said to have spent the evening poring over the complex and detailed Supreme Court ruling. But whereas Gore was poring over it with his eyes and mind, Bush was pouring a glass of juice over it because, quote, “I don’t want to finish my juice.”
• When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You’re not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
• You know if I had a nickel for every time Bush has brought up 9-11…I could raise enough reward money to go catch Bin Laden!
• With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the thirty-four-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.
• Yesterday, the President met with a group he calls “the coalition of the willing”, and everyone else calls England and Spain.
• After going to war against the UN’s expressed wishes, the US is now admitting it needs the UN’s help. It’s the geopolitical equivalent of the 2am phone call every parent dreads: Mom, I’m not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.

Stephen Colbert

• Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
• It used to be that our elected officials were veterans of World War II, Vietnam, or the Civil Rights Movement. But with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, I foresee a day when all our leaders will come from the movie Predator. Think about it. Governor Carl Weathers. No wait: Senator Predator. I bet he has some pretty interesting things to say about tort reform.
• Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!
• …or did I just blow your mind?

Samantha Bee

• Just because something happens in nature doesn’t make it natural.
• Yes, with its tolerant society, low crime rate, and free health care, Canada is a hell on earth for conservatives.
• Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.
• Excuse me, sir, I’m having trouble locating my square dancing club meeting? Can you help me? Also, my glasses fell out of my fanny pack, and I can’t find my asthma inhaler, and I feel an attack of my allergies coming on. I’m allergic to wheat, sugar, bumblebees, milk, wool, cotton, polyblends, pony hair, oatmeal, soap, sunshine. I should probably also mention that I’m a virgin and a bedwetter.
• Kids do have to learn that life is a humiliating charade of endless disappointment and tragedy, ultimately culminating in pain, decay, and death. My parents used to sing me to sleep with that one.

John Hodgman

• Jon: There’s some concern about these new computer voting machines. That they might lead to tampering, computers crashing, uncounted votes.
  John Hodgman: Oh, no, no, no. I mean, obviously there will be some problems, such as tampering, computers crashing, maybe your vote won’t count. And there was that one voting machine in Columbus that turned into an unstoppable robot killing machine… But that’s to be expected with any new technology. I mean, once we weed out the Transformers I think voters will be very pleasantly surprised.

Jason Jones

• The other day I picked up this Old Testament. All the references to Jesus have been completely taken out. They’re gone! No doubt removed by the same PC Police who took Christ out of the United States of Achristica.

Demitri Martin

• (about social networking sites) I mean, on the downside they’re loaded with sexual predators… On the plus side, they’re also loaded with sexual prey.
• Maybe I’m on YouTube right now. You watching me on YouTube? Check it out, I’m buffering.

John Oliver

• Jon: John, I understand that personal lives are separate from politics, but in this case, Vice President Cheney is part of a White House that campaigned for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
  John: Well, Jon, now, just stop right there. You are out of line. Dick Cheney’s policies are private matters. Personal lifestyle choices. Whom he wiretaps, which oil executive he secretly meets with, whom he sends overseas for torturing, that’s between him and his constitution. It is none of our concern what he chooses to do to us behind closed doors.
• Jon: This offer by the President. Karl Rove and Harriet Miers can speak to Congress, but behind closed doors and not under oath.
  John: That’s right, Jon. It’s a major concession from the President’s initial offer to Congress, which was that they go fuck themselves.
  Jon: That, uh… that was… that was his first offer?
  John: That was his first three.
• Bullshit? Or Bullfact?
• Jon: Look, to my mind, I don’t know why Karl Rove can’t just walk up to Congress, put his hand on the Bible, and tell the fucking truth!
  John: Oh, well, that is all very well, Jon. But I think we all remember what happened the last time he did that. The room smelled like burnt bacon for three weeks.

Ed Helms

• Ed: This Mars plan confirms something that those of us in the scientific community have known for quite some time: President Bush has now officially given up on Planet Earth. Gig’s up. Game’s over.
  Jon: Ed, you really believe that the President of the United States has given up on this planet?
  Ed: Well, Jon, you know his policies. Arsenic in the drinking water, Clean Air Act gone, bombing everybody, what other conclusion could you draw, I mean you don’t start trashing the hotel room unless you know you’re checking out tomorrow. And you really can’t blame the guy. Earth is hardly a young planet, in fact, it’s more than six thousand years old.
  Jon: Ed, I believe the Earth is more like five billion years old.
  Ed: [chuckles] Right, Jon, and we descended from “apes,” okay. I’m a scientist.
• July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the political prisoners, mind you; all the prisoners. (…) “Bastille”. It’s French for “Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison.”
• I’ll be using this gay detection device. It’s kind of a radar for gayness, or Gay Radar. It’s called…a Homometer.
• He is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during the weekend quail-hunting exhibition. Doctors say he is recovering quickly after being shot in the face by the Vice President. I’ll be here all day with continuous coverage of how Vice President Dick Cheney shot a seventy-eight year old man in the face, after he mistook him for a small bird.

Rob Corddry

• Before we start, I want to make it clear that I don’t have a problem with you personally: I just don’t like the colour of your skin.
• It’s called Avian Flu, a fatal killer that, when lethal, can be deadly.
• …I’d rather be shooting hookers.